Nostalgia

I've been thinking a lot about last December, naturally. Christmas is, and has always been, one of my very favourite things but The Ghost of Christmas Past 2015 wasn't exactly a jolly one. My Grandad had just passed away, I was behind on uni work, tackling horrendous essays and prepping for January exams, and on top of that I was working more than a healthy amount of extra shifts to cover the busiest period on The Good Ship Sainsbury's. It was mad and I honestly don't know how I managed it all. I was on the brink.

Since finishing university in the summer I've gone through some spells of longing and missing it so very much. I miss my friends, my lecturers, the routine and the learning. I enjoyed going to lectures (okay, not all of them) and listening to people speak. There are fleeting moments when it catches me and I think God, what I'd give to be back there, but let's take off the rose-tinted specs for just a second and be realistic: I do not miss last December and you couldn't pay me to repeat it.

The thing is, once you come to the end of something, be it a time period or a series of events, you soon forget the realities: the tears and the breakdowns, the nights I couldn't sleep for worrying about deadlines, the times I crumbled. That's the trouble with our dear friend Nostalgia, it lets you pick and choose.

Allow me to regress to a mediocre AS Level essay opening briefly: The dictionary defines "nostalgia" as "a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time..." I think that's a pretty spot on explanation for what I've been feeling, because a lot university was a happy time (god knows I've written about it enough on this blog), but there's more to it than that I think.

I was watching one of Rosianna's vlogmas videos recently in which she discusses nostalgia and the complexities of it. Her focus is mainly on television, specially the Gilmore Girls revival (I've never seen it so I can't really comment), but a lot of what she says resonates with me and what I've been thinking about. Rosianna talked about our apparent need to keep retelling the same peoples' stories, suggesting that nostalgia could be an excuse to spend time in a "Non-PC culture". But that was ten years ago, we say when a slightly uncomfortable comment is made, that's what it was like back then! 

She said that she finds nostalgia confusing because it's fun. We like looking back and we're willing to turn a blind eye to some things - whether they be the sexist connotations of a comment in a 1990s sitcom or the more difficult memories of an earlier time in your life - because it's fun to look back. Does that make it okay? I don't know - I'm just as confused myself.

I do not wish to sound like an inspirational fridge magnet that screams LIVE FOR THE MOMENT etc etc, but I think what I'm trying to say is that there's good and bad in everything. I spend a lot of time thinking fondly about school, and "do you remember that time when..." is a very well-used conversation opener with my best friend, but realistically would I want to go back to being 15 and all the drama that comes with the teenage? Absolutely not. Do I long for the cocoon of my university library? 100%, but the thought of having to write another dissertation sends chills through me. Will I one day wish to be back in this limbo between study and career? Maybe.

Right now, I wouldn't say that things are in place. I'm six months out of uni with no clear plan and no sign of anyone giving me full-time employment any when soon. I don't have real structure and I spend a large proportion of my time exchanging inane questions with customer after customer for hours on end, but who knows? Maybe in a few years I'll miss it (although that seems doubtful).

I didn't mean for this to sound doom and gloom, especially at Christmas, but it's a funny time of year when it comes to memories. Decembers stick in the mind more than Aprils do. I'm not where I thought I'd be this time last year, but this Christmas is already proving better than the last.

I'm going to spend the afternoon making crackers, listening to The Heathen and The Holy, and then I'm going ice skating this evening so the future's looking festive. If Christmas is a hard time for you then hold on, it'll be over soon, and if it's not then enjoy it while you can - remember, you'll always have it to look back on.

Merry Christmas x